Monday, March 30, 2009

Setting Down the Suitcase

Tomorrow is my anniversary.
It has been the toughest, and most rewarding 3 years of my life.
Each time I look at that rough-"stuck in the 80's man"....
I fall in love all over again.
spaceIt's true.... I am crazy, hopelessly in love with this man.
But... tomorrow I am starting over.
I'm am setting down the suitcase of shame and guilt that I have carried around with me for over 4 years. Somehow in the back of my mind I have never allowed myself to be truly happy with our marriage because it started off on such horrible ground.
Ground full of sin and shame..
But.... tomorrow I am unpacking that suitcase and letting it go.

If God could forgive and use David... then he can do the same for me.
My favorite verse in the whole bible is..."Let go of those things which are behind, and reach forward to those things that are ahead." Somehow I have let that verse be for everyone else in the world but me. How could I let go of what was behind when I was packing that guilt and bringing it with me everywhere I went. It survived 3 moves, and countless cleanings. Yet somehow I held on.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a fresh new me, a clean heart made whole.
I have unpacked all the Yuck and set it free.
I will live the rest of all the days I am given believing that the fairy tale in my head can actually be for me. I believe with all that I am that without the MESS there would be no message. God can take our weakest moments and use them to change you when nothing else would.

I am a firm believer that sometimes you have to hit the bottom to appreciate the climb back up again. But that's what life is all about... the journey. What we do with our mistakes is up to us. We can let them make us bitter, or let them make us better.

So.... tomorrow I will forever "LET GO"
I will enjoy the man who turns my heart to butter.
The man who makes me bubble somewhere down in my soul that I never knew existed.
I will watch him be the best father on Earth with a smile knowing that God forgives... Sometimes long before we forgive ourselves.

He is truly the Love of my Life.. I love the way he walks so slow that I can literally make a circle around him, I love the way he makes a joke then asks me if that was a good one, I love his cooking and the way he fixes my plate, I love the way he orders all my drinks with extra ice, the way he folds his dirty clothes when he puts them in the laundry.

I love the way he loves my children as if they were his own, the way he drives all over town to buy something on sale, the way he watches me with Brady knowing we are both crazy about the man we call "dad", the way he smiles with his lip crocked up on one side, the way he has friends he talks to all the time that he went to Kindergarten with, and a million more silly, wonderful, annoying, fabulous things. But... most of all I love that man because of all he is yet to be. The man whose dreams I can't wait to watch come true.

I know everyday will not be sunshine and lovely, but that's ok...
Because that's what real love is... Loving him when he doesn't deserve it, because I know he will love me when I don't either. The older I get the more I realize LOVE is a choice... not an emotion. Emotions get you into trouble and cause impulsive situations.
But commitment is a lifetime.

The greatest gift Little Brady will ever know is that his mommy is crazy in love with his dad.. Not because he looks like the guys on tv, or because he makes the most money and buys us fancy things, not because he's famous or is full of ivy league education.... But because he's the man our lives would never be the same without.

So with the greatest excitement, a mind full of ease, and a heart full of JOY... I will cherish my tomorrow with all that I am. I will kiss that wonderful man and know that I am forgiven by both God and myself.
May we all be filled with the blessing of New Beginnings.
And the forgiveness only we can give ourselves.


Darla said...

wow, i'm speechless. great post. i pray you will set that suitcase down forver and never pick it up again. if i could burn it for you i would, or hide it, or take it to the emotional goodwill store. have a great anniversary my friend. thanks for sharing your heart, it applies to us all in some way or another. thanks.

Jenny Wilson said...

Bless your heart for carrying around so much emotional baggage for so long! I hope that you can find the peace that you deserve, because you do deserve it.

Anonymous said...

What a sweet may never know it but you are such a inspiration to me…I have let mistakes that I made in my past almost eat me alive you are such a great person you are a joy to be around. I wish you the happiest anniversary ever love ya Taren K

Sher said...

Chris folds his dirty clothes too!

Stacey, Today is the only time you will have today. You are a fabulous person, mother, wife, daughter and friend... We can take our pasts and learn from it, it will always be there if we need it, but it doesn't need us. It grows character in us that we have to learn. WIthout all the bad, it is hard to appreciate all the good. And there is alot of good to happen... I am glad to be a part of your past and future. You make me smile.

Alberta and Ava said...

Happy, happy anniversary. Your deep love for you husband and children comes through in all your writings, as does your kindness and compassion for other people. That's what matters most in life, as far as I'm concerned. You make the world a better place, even for someone as far away as I am. YOu deserve to be happy.


P.S. One attribute of you dear husband you forgot to mention is that he's pretty easy on the eyes too!

julie king said...

good for you! it is time you gave yourself a break and moved on to a place of forgiveness! you are a very lucky woman and it is wonderful to read you acknowledging that fact! good for you!

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